I’m so honored to be guest blogging for my girl Kris Carr over at www.crazysexylife.com. If you’re not familiar with Kris Carr, please do yourself a favor and get to know her – pronto! Her film, Crazy Sexy Cancer is a good place to start. And if you want to rev up your health and start feeling better than ever, you’re going to want to grab her brand new book Crazy Sexy Diet right away! Here is a transcript of my post:
The Tumor on My Last Nerve
Did you know you have twelve nerves in your head? I don’t get too picky about the exact whereabouts, but I know that they are located somewhere around your brain stem and each one has a different gig. For example, your eighth cranial nerve controls the hearing in your left ear. Or maybe it’s the right ear. I’m absolutely certain about the job of the last one, the twelfth cranial nerve. It controls the motor function on the left side of your tongue. I know this definitively because in January 2007, my doctor called to tell me that “unfortunately” (the word you never want to hear after an scan of your noggin’) I have a small mass on my twelfth cranial nerve.
This explained why I had found it increasingly difficult to articulate certain words that require major use of the tongue, like “Google.” Say it out loud right now. Really. Notice the Herculean job that goes on inside your mouth as you pronounce this relatively recent verb? Your tongue gets a workout from stem to stern. Go ahead, say it with me: Google. I can pronounce it, but I’ve lost about 40 percent of my motor function due to the tumor on my last nerve.
So what’s the big deal about losing 40 percent use of one side of your tongue? I suppose it wouldn’t be much of a deal at all if it weren’t for the fact that I use my voice for a living. Maybe you’ve heard of a little Broadway musical called, “The Phantom of the Opera”? There’s this dude with a gnarly face who wears a white mask and chases around a young soprano named Christine Daaé. That young soprano on Broadway was me from 1998 until 2006 (at which point the “young” part became debatable). For an actress and singer, the tongue, as well as every other mechanism involved in vocalization, is of critical value.
The good news is that the tumor on my last nerve is not life-threatening. But the docs stop short of calling it benign due to its rather precarious position at the entry point of my brain and the fact that unfortunately it could become malignant at any time. So what does one do when faced with such anxiety-provoking news? Fortunately, my acting background provides several useful tools for dealing with what, in a script, would be called “the given circumstances.”
My given circumstances currently look like this: I may lose my ability to sing. I may become incurably ill. I may die.
But as I begin to play out that scene, I can almost literally hear my acting teacher clap his hands to interrupt the action: “Sandra, don’t play the end of the scene at the beginning.”
Sometimes actors enter a scene prepped for what they know is coming – the emotional breakdown, the knock-down drag-out – and they bring that negative energy into the scene before the conflict has even begun. It lends an unnecessary weight and edge to what is actually happening in the moment.
Do you ever find yourself doing this in life? I know I do. If we’re not awake and aware, it’s all too easy to project forward into imagined circumstances that haven’t even occurred. We brace ourselves, armed for battle and bring fearful energy into our current reality. When we do that, we rob ourselves of the joy and freedom being offered in the here and now.
Even in a play, when the script is already written and you know precisely how it’s going to end, it doesn’t serve you or the play to act with foreknowledge. In acting, as in life, you and your fellow players are best served by staying present, saying “yes” to what is happening right now, and allowing room for surprise.
Today, the little beauty near my brain is holding steady not causing me a bit of trouble. If it weren’t for my tiny tumor, I may never have found Kris Carr and gotten my Crazy Sexy lifestyle on. When I remain present to this moment, the given circumstances of my life look very different:
I am sitting at my desk typing a guest post for my favorite blog. I feel better than I have in years. I love and appreciate the gift of being able to use my voice not only to sing but as a tool for positive change in the world.
As you act out the script of your life, ask yourself, “Am I playing the end of the scene at the beginning?” “Can I say ‘yes’ to what is happening in the present moment?”
Meanwhile, mind if I ask you a favor? Celebrate your tongue today. Use it wisely. Sing at the top of your lungs. Speak your truth boldly. Give a special something-something to your honey. Significant others can thank me later.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
That was one awesome post, Sandra! Thank you!!
Sandra, I am blown away by this post. Thanks so much for following me on Twitter. I followed you right back, even before I watched your video and read this post. I love what you are doing.I hope that you do it in good health for a long, long time.