The Disease Called “Perfection”
Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life . . .
-Ann Lamott
http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html
The above post has clearly struck a chord. It’s been shared by thousands on Facebook and has started a conversation some 700+ comments strong. I’m sharing it here not because I’m copping out on writing my own blog post (no, really, ahem-that’s not it at all) but because although we come at the subject from different angles, the author and I are advocating the same things: Drop the mask. Become real. In all seriousness, I am sharing this link because I’m quite passionate about spreading “real.” Notice the subtitle of my book in the little box above and to your right? By the way, have you signed your name in that little box yet? If not, whatcha waitin’ for? Go ahead and do it now. I’ll wait . . .
After you’ve read the above post, leave a comment, either there or back here. Many of you reading this are artists, creatives, performers. I wonder how “perfection” has held you back, silenced you, or kept you from going after your dreams. I’ve been there and I’m here to support you. Whatever your experience with the dreaded “perfection” disease, you’re not alone. We can heal this thing by becoming real together.
Imperfectly Yours,
Sandra
9 Responses to The Disease Called “Perfection”
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First of all, tears came to my eyes because I have faced a few things listed in that article. It honestly all started back in 6th grade when people started to judge me on how I dressed, how I looked, and how I wasn’t skinny or pretty like others out there. I had no one at the end of 6th grade and barely anyone in the beginning of 7th grade, leaving me to spend my summer vacation alone. In 7th grade, I didn’t try to kill myself but I did start self-mutilating myself. I watched what I ate and sometimes went days without eating. I got a wake up call though when I was called down to the couseling office because someone told an adult about what I was doing. I went to therapy and barely talked in the beginning but I did end up talking about how I felt and how I felt that I wasn’t good enough.
Ever since I was 3 years old, I danced around the living room, singing from Disney songs to Phantom of the Opera, acting out what I thought was going on in the song and dancing. That was my dream: to be a performer. I dreamed big until 6th grade and it was put in the back of my mind. I didn’t even think about it until I knew someone in 10th grade that wanted to try out for the school’s musical and I remembered my dream. I went and auditioned. The dance try out went very well but my voice cracked on the vocal audition and I ended up in tears because I was embarrassed and telling myself that it happened because my dream wouldn’t happen. I gave up too easily. I did end up being chorus and during rehearsals, I found that I wasn’t scared to show that I can have a dance solo. And what happened? I got that dance solo. I was strong in the dancing for that show and have been ever since. I’ve had great parts and loved each of them, even if they were only supporting roles. But I told myself that it was a step up from chorus and that’s what it was. I was making my way to the top.
I was told before that I wasn’t pretty or skinny enough or wasn’t a great person. And it was true … but only to that person or to the people who thought that about me. I woke up every morning and went to school without worrying about how I looked or if I spent 2 hours putting makeup on or doing my hair before I did go to school. It wasn’t a competition for me and I had friends who cared for who I was, not what I looked like. It took me a while to realize this and I still struggle with the performing part but I’m getting there with the support of wonderful friends and family. I don’t know where I would be though if I hadn’t gotten that wake up call back in 7th grade. And I’m happy that I don’t because I’m happy with where I’m at now.
Hi Sandra!
I think that “Perfection” has definitely held me back by not getting to participate in daily activities, and having to Grin and Bear it- while hiding pain, and self-sorrow. I go through this frequently- as my Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis is the cause of this “Perfection” Feeling. Many days at school for most of my life- I’ve had to sit out in “High Impact” sports in gym class, I’d sit and watch the other kids playing and having fun- while I’d sit there in pain, feeling sorry for myself. Now, that I’m in High School, expectations are higher- I try to muddle through every “Knee and Ankle hurting-day” as I’m running the indoor track with others. Sometimes I feel so out of place- one of the kids last year in middle school, after seeing my knee, said in a loud voice, “OMG! YOUR KNEE IS THE SIZE OF A SOCCER BALL!!!” That’s pretty much stuck with me. I cry a lot about this, I find my self frequently wishing that it would just go away- but then, I think that there are people MUCH worse off than me- and that i only have JRA. But still, it’s JRA- and I have to get an injection every Tuesday (not like most kids) then, on Saturday’s I take four tablets of Methotrexate…I used to get extremely ill when I took it. I used to take it in the third grade- two injections and eight crushed up pills.
My dosage has been lowered since- but it’s taken awhile to get into a healing process of some kind, – in-between every other month visits to Children’s Hospital for follow-ups, and knee surgery when I was in the second grade. But even now- as I type this- I’m still feeling nauseated from yesterday’s methotrexate dose. It never fails to nauseate me- I try not to let it win. A couple weeks ago- I had a lesson with Leslie…It was a metho day, as I was riding in the car with my mom and dad, I began to feel sick. But- I KNEW, that I had to be strong for her, because I love her and I love music, and I wasn’t GONNA let some stupid methotrexate pills keep ME from having a fab. time with Leslie. I pulled through- we had a great lesson. I think, however perfection got the better of me there- I ALWAYS want so much go please her, at our voice lesson. But I try so hard in front of everyone, to act like a perfect teenage girl who sings and LOVES Phantom, who doesn’t have arthritis.
I’ve lied through my teeth to my parents before, when they’ve asked me if my knee’s or hurt or they’ll say- ‘oh honey- your knee look s so swollen and puffy! Do you want some Motrin-?” And I usually reply and say that I’m fine, when the truth is….my knee really does hurt. The JRA has also affected my jaw (not too seriously) but serious enough that I had to go to a physical therapist last year for about three months.
Anyways- I think that I’ve tried to perfect myself in so many ways with this- especially dance. It really saddens me that when I was a little girl, maybe eight or nine- my parents withdrew me from my ballet class…because my plies` were too painful and strenuous. I started back up a few years ago. When I was in my studio the other day…taking my Wednesday ballet class. I tried to perfect it so much- that I kept missing my piques` and “fifth position arms!” Then it was time for pliés…the pain started after that- and decided to stay until Friday. I found myself in school- trying to perfect myself again! I guess this will be a challenge to overcome. But reading “The Perfection” article by “Single Dad Laughing” and reading what you said about- just helped me a bunch! All your “Blogs/Vlogs” have immensely inspired and helped me sooo much!
~ Elaine Weatherby
Perfection is one more pound lost.
Perfection is one more day without food or water.
Perfection is one more pill added to my daily cocktail of caffeine pills, weight loss pills, and ibuprofen.
Perfection is one more scar among all the others on my arm.
Perfection is one more A+ in college.
Perfection is one more happy customer leaving my department at work.
Perfection is NOT crying when your family says they wish you were dead.
Perfection is one more lie.
One more excuse.
And when this level of perfection is reached, I take it up another level. I’ve been “taking it up another level” for 5 and a half years so far. I’ve put too much energy into this, I can’t stop now. I WILL be perfect. Some day.
You wanted real, that’s what you get. Sorry if it wasn’t what you were looking for.
I totally understand how perfection can hold you back. I am 17 years old, and I am currently homeschooled. I had alot of difficulty at the high school I went to. I am pretty shy. I had a lot of anxieties, never really fit in, and I was made fun of just because I liked different things than everyone else. But I learned not to change for anyone else and to love my self for who am.
I am almost done with my homeschooling,and I am Studying to take the S.A.T’s. I do volunteer work to help others. I run 4 miles almost everyday. I am applying for an internship at a local theatre,& I started takeing singing lessons 6 months ago. I am now takeing steps to follow my dream of performing on stage!
-Rachel Lombardi from Connecticut
P.S.-Thankyou Sandra for all the encouragement!!!!
Hi Sandra!
It was an interesting read. I think I would divide some of the examples into different categories. Some struck me as being essentially about low self esteem and some were more like the culture around “honour” killings, which perhaps also is about low self esteem. Self esteem is something very important I think and self esteem isn’t the same as being self confident. Here in Sweden we have a woman named Mia Törnblom who is a life coach who talks a lot about the importance of self esteem. For me self esteem is about being secure in your own worth. When you feel secure in your own worth you don’t really care that your neighbour has a big boat because you know that your worth isn’t measured by your possessions or by how much money you make or by how many cookies you manage to bake. This is something you can work on, though it might not be easy. I also think it is really important to give your children good self esteem. A lot of people seem to be growing up feeling that they are being measured by what they achieve in life. While there is nothing wrong with being ambitious and getting credit for your success, it is also good to know that your success isn’t you, your worth as a human being shouldn’t be measured by how successful or unsuccessful you are. You deserve to be loved simply for the fact that you are you, flaws and all. It is a rather simple concept really, but it seems to be very hard to practice.
I so appreciate all of your comments. THANK YOU for sharing here. If you’re interested, http://www.danoah.com/ posted a follow-up post yesterday.
I don’t pretend to know the cure for the perfection disease, but I think there is power in simply being honest, taking our secrets out of the hidden places within us and shining a big ol’ spotlight on ‘em. The more we come clean, the more we can look around and realize we’re not alone, we’re not so bad. There’s no such thing as perfect. Or, we can choose an alternate view: Everything is perfect. “Perfect” is seeing the perfection in all things–just as they are.
Josefine,
The biggest paradox is that we are imperfect beings in an imperfect world trying to seek an ideal.
Great post Sandra!
Well said, Steven!
Helpful blog, bookmarked the website with hopes to read more!